If it feels like work in the beginning, cut your losses and move on. In other words,
Lesson # 18: Trust Your Instincts
People rarely change and you must remember that it’s a package deal. Either love who you’re with or be with someone else. You’ll be happier in the end–I promise.
A friend called last night and we discussed a fight she was having with her boyfriend. From what I know about him, he’s an upstanding man and a “guy’s guy”. Long story short, she mistakenly assumed that he was ignoring her when his phone was turned off (as he works in a classified environment that requires all phones to be turned off during work hours). As I pointed out, ignoring someone is passive aggressive and, so far, this guy’s “fighting style” has never been catty or passive aggressive. Also, people’s fighting styles are pretty consistent. Unless you’re dating and/or marrying someone of the same sex, the verdict is:
Lesson # 16: Say No to Catty Men
Why? Because one woman in the house is enough (again, unless you’re with someone of the same sex). “Men” who are catty or passive aggressive are not really men. Rather, they are boys in men’s bodies. As a woman, you want (and need) someone who compliments you and is of generous heart (cattiness and pettiness are the opposite of being generous). So, again, ladies–actions (or behaviors, in this case) do speak louder than words. Keep your eyes open and observe and you shall receive your answer (as to whether he is worthy of your giving him the best years of your life).
I’m not going to make this a “lesson” or “rule” but one thing I’ve observed through both experience and watching friends is that men who are medium to chubby to larger build tend to make better husbands. Why? They tend to be less judgmental and more accommodating.
Men who are very physically fit (especially those who are obsessed with looking the part and “gym rats”) tend to be more critical simply based on the fact they hold themselves to a higher standard of conventional-fit-appearance (being slim does not necessarily equal to being healthy but that’s another topic). And, in turn, expect the same if not more from their partners. Something to think about.
According to Penelope Trunk, women should focus on getting married first and then build a career: “this means that it may make sense for men to work full-speed ahead on their career in their early twenties, but women cannot afford that. Women need to make time in their lives to search for a mate in the same systematic, focused way that women have been searching for careers in their early twenties. And don’t tell yourself you’re waiting until you know yourself better. Getting to know yourself is a lifelong process, and after age twenty-five, waiting to get married won’t decrease your chance of divorce. The good news here is that a large body of research shows that you will gain more happiness by being married than by having a good job.” They key word here is “systematic”. Remember that. This brings us to our next guideline:
Lesson # 15: Marriage Before Career
They say that hindsight is 20/20 and I must agree with her (in a general sense). Although I doubt that if I had gotten married at age 25, it would have been with my soul mate. Sometimes, there are exceptions.
The New Year is upon us and many (including myself) have several resolutions to implement starting tomorrow. With that said, I wanted to remind you that nothing in life worthwhile comes easy (as the saying goes, “No pain, no gain.”). I find that the most difficult thing to implement isn’t so much as specific tasks but our attitudes. Changing the mind is perhaps the most difficult thing one can do for himself. And, with respect to dating and relationships, I challenge all of you to change your paradigm on interpersonal relationships. Take inventory of all of your relationships (the meaningful ones as well as the not so meaningful ones) and clean house (as well as your mind, outlook, and attitude). Take two of these and call me in the morning. Here’s to a happy and healthy new year!
Studies show that the secret of happiness is 48% genetics, 40% life events, and 12% choices. Of the 12% (from choices), the things that make the most impact are family, faith, community, and work. What does this mean for you in terms of finding Mr. (or Mrs. ) Right? If you’re “naturally” an unhappy person, your choices (which may lead to your major life events) can make all the difference in terms of your happiness. Food for thought.
Lesson # 14: Be With Someone Who Won’t Give You Heartburn
Finding Mr. (or Mrs.) Right has another benefit–aging well. According to an article in Psychology Today, marriage significantly affects the long-term happiness for women more so than men. As such, one must be extremely choosy when selecting one’s partner for life. Aging isn’t just a physical manifestation of one’s biological condition but also one’s state of mind. So, gals (and guys), finding Mr. (or Mrs.) Right may just be the fountain of youth.
A colleague and I recently had a discussion about sales strategies and he shared with me his 3-step program–preparation, execution, and disposition. During our conversation, I couldn’t help but think, “This strategy could also apply to interpersonal relationships.” So, here goes–business strategies translated into dating/relationship guidelines:
Lesson # 9: Don’t Be the Cheshire Cat (Know Where You’re Going)
In the story of Alice in Wonderland, Alice comes to a fork in the road, looks up, and sees the Cheshire Cat smiling down on her. The cat asks her where she would like to go. “I don’t know,” says Alice. The cat replies, “Then either road will take you there.” The morale of the story is that you must know where you are going in life–you must know what you want in order to achieve your goals. In other words, start with the end in mind.
When I was (much) younger, my attitude toward dating was, “I’ll give anyone a fair chance. I’ll dive into the relationship with good intentions and everything will be just fine.” What I didn’t know at the time was that not only was I supposed to be extra picky (in terms of selecting only marriageble men to date) but also that good intentions and hope, although wonderful and necessary in any and all relationships, were not enough to to get me to Happily Ever After. Only when I fine-tuned my dating methods and guidelines did I then get on the right track.
Knowing what you want is a critical step toward finding Mr. Right, as well as achieving other goals in your life. This process does not come easy and takes quite a bit of time. To know what one wants is to also know oneself. Part of the fun in dating is the exploration of various possibilities and scenarios while learning about yourself–all at the same time.
There will always be exceptions and extenuating circumstances (high school or college sweethearts, family friends, etc.). But generally, there is a one-year courtship. Period. If you are dating a man (and all goes well) and he does not propose in one year, throw him back in the pond. No ifs, ands, or buts. As mentioned in an earlier post, men know very early on whether you are “short-term only” or “long-term potential”. My male friends have confirmed that no, most men do not require more than a year to determine whether or not they want to marry you.
What do the Taj Mahal, Mirabell Palace, and Chandor Gardens all have in common? They were built in the name of love. Men are capable of extraordinary feats for women they love. It is said that a man can move mountains for the love of his life. Therefore, it is not unreasonable for a woman to expect a proposal within one year.
What's Love Got to Do With It? 