What's Love Got to Do With It?

A Guide to Modern Love

Archive for the category “Lesson # 2: Actions Not Words”

Less Talking, More Watching

Men often say that women talk too much.  I agree.  When it comes to dating, women do talk too much.  Women must learn that when they take the time (and patience) to observe men during the early stages of relationships, this will take much of the guesswork (along with the heartache and agony) out of dating.  What’s left is dating without all the fillers and artificial ingredients.  By watching how a man behaves (rather than listening to the words he says), you can learn just about all you need to know to make an educated decision.


Calendar Girl

There will always be exceptions and extenuating circumstances (high school or college sweethearts, family friends, etc.).  But generally, there is a one-year courtship.  Period.  If you are dating a man (and all goes well) and he does not propose in one year, throw him back in the pond.  No ifs, ands, or buts.  As mentioned in an earlier post, men know very early on whether you are “short-term only” or “long-term potential”.  My male friends have confirmed that no, most men do not require more than a year to determine whether or not they want to marry you.

What do the Taj Mahal, Mirabell Palace, and Chandor Gardens all have in common?  They were built in the name of love.  Men are capable of extraordinary feats for women they love.  It is said that a man can move mountains for the love of his life.  Therefore, it is not unreasonable for a woman to expect a proposal within one year.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Sherry Argov was on point when she said that most men tend to think in a logical manner.  What does this mean to you?  This means that rather than engage in circular reasoning (as many women do, myself included), it’s best to be straight-forward, matter-of-fact, and logical when making a case for why you are upset when you and your significant other have an argument and/or disagreement.  This method tends to nip things in the bud fairly quickly.

Chasing Pavements

We all know that marriages in the US have a survival rate of 50%.  The rate is even less for pre-marriage relationships.  With these kinds of relationships, the top reasons for failure are the following:

(1)  Misalignment of Expectations

(2)  Miscommunication

Miscommunication is self-explanatory and can be easily remedied over time.  Misalignment of expectations, however, can and will break a relationship from the very beginning.  What is a misalignment of expectations?  It’s expecting Italian sportscar performance when you are driving a lemon.  You’re going nowhere fast.  Either you accept the situation for what it is and be happy driving a lemon, or, you go out and get yourself a Lamborghini.

Back when I was still in the dating circuit, a friend of mine said, “Do not be afraid to stand up for what you need as a woman.”  I took the advice to heart and never looked back.  If a man isn’t able to provide you with what you need to be happy, do everyone a favor and move on.  You’ll thank yourself in the long run.

If It Looks Like a Duck…

Lesson # 2:  Pay Close Attention to What a Man Does, Not What He Says

How do you separate the prospects from the suspects?  Most of us can agree on the desirable qualities we look for in men.  Rather than focus on the obvious, women should pay close attention to potential red flags during the early stages of dating.   These potential red flags include…

(1)  Recent and/or Ugly Divorce–This is one of the more common situations.  Unless you are the cause of the divorce, the odds are stacked highly against you on this one.  Even in that situation, you expose yourself to a whole new set of high risks (as the saying goes, “a man who marries his mistress creates a job opening”).  A man who has been recently divorced and/or experienced an ugly divorce is in no position (psychologically or emotionally) to commit to any one.  Throw this one back in the water because it would be like trying to domesticate an abused animal–not impossible but definitely an uphill battle.

(2)  Regular Last-minute Dates–It’s one thing to guess that you are a part of a man’s rotation of dates during the early stages of dating.  It’s another thing to know it.  There is nothing wrong with dating multiple people at the same time.  That is what you are supposed to do until you become involved in an exclusive relationship with Mr. Could-Be-the-One.  However, pay close attention to how he courts you.  Yes, I said it.  At the end of the day, what we all want is a good, old-fashioned courtship.  Courtship is alive and well.  It just needs a good marketing campaign to educate those who are ignorant of it.

(3)  Signs of Disrespect–Women know when they are being disrespected.  However, many are in denial.  When a man shows that he has no respect for you as a person, believe him and move on.  This is truly a blessing in disguise because he has given you a glimpse, through his behavior, of things to come should you stay and put up with this nonsense.  Remember, you are not a garbage disposal.

(4)  High Spending Habits–When a man spends a lot of money relative to his income, he is probably not looking to settle down any time soon.  Why?  His primary goal is to have a good time and this will likely not include focusing most of his energy on cultivating a committed relationship.  The word, “fun”, is his mantra and that is his priority.  Although marriageble men may not say much about commitment and/or marriage, you can bet that it is on their agendas.  Men who are ready for marriage tend to save for the future (this is not to be mistaken for men being miserly).

(5)  Bachelor Friends–Birds of a feather flock together.  This is especially true if the birds are men.  Despite conventional wisdom, men actually succomb more to peer pressure than do women.  If a man’s army of friends are all party-going bachelors, it’s a safe bet that he has absolutely no pressure to settle down.  His feeling about marriage is that he’ll be “missing out” on all the fun and exitement of bachelorhood.  What he fails to understand is that even men have a shelf-life in the dating world.  At some point, being the 50-year-old guy at the bar trying to pick up office interns gets old.

(6)  Extreme Success–Everyone is familiar with the expression, “there’s no free lunch”.  This is especially true when it comes to dating extremely successful men.  The definition of success, of course, is relative.  In this case, I am referring to self-made financial and/or professional success.  While this kind of success is admirable, it can also be a hindrance to relationships.  Unless you are content with taking a backseat to your significant other’s career, you should look elsewhere.  Why?  The qualities that allow a man to be extremely successful in his career are not necessarily the ones that make him a good husband.

(7)  Young Children —This is a controversial topic.  You should not date a man with children (especially young children) unless one or more of the following applies to you:  you are over 40, you have a child or children of your own, and/or you are content with the prospect of your not being top priority.  Enough said.

(8)  Your Intuition–Kim Basinger summed it up when she said, “I feel there are two people inside me–me and my intuition.  If I go against her, she’ll screw me every time.  If I follow her, we get along quite nicely.”  Need I say more?

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