What's Love Got to Do With It?

A Guide to Modern Love

Archive for the tag “Men”

Date Like You Mean It

Hello, ladies (and gents).  I’ve noticed a trend among singles lately and it’s this:  people say that that they simply “don’t have the time to date”.  This brings me to the next rule:

Lesson # 17:  Date Like It’s Your Job

I say this because of the expression, “Your priorities shall reveal themselves.”  If getting married (or finding a lifetime companion) is a priority for you, act like it.  Schedule time for clubs, dates, and social outings into your agenda if you have to.  Also, let everyone you know in your social and professional circle that you are “single and looking to meet more people.”  Use the power of networking.  Work will still be there after you find The One.  Remember, no one on his/her deathbed wishes he/she spent more time at the office.

Junk in the Trunk

I’m not going to make this a “lesson” or “rule” but one thing I’ve observed through both experience and watching friends is that men who are medium to chubby to larger build tend to make better husbands.  Why?  They tend to be less judgmental and more accommodating.

Men who are very physically fit (especially those who are obsessed with looking the part and “gym rats”) tend to be more critical simply based on the fact they hold themselves to a higher standard of conventional-fit-appearance (being slim does not necessarily equal to being healthy but that’s another topic).  And, in turn, expect the same if not more from their partners.  Something to think about.

 

Marriage First, Then Career

According to Penelope Trunk, women should focus on getting married first and then build a career:  “this means that it may make sense for men to work full-speed ahead on their career in their early twenties, but women cannot afford that.  Women need to make time in their lives to search for a mate in the same systematic, focused way that women have been searching for careers in their early twenties.  And don’t tell yourself you’re waiting until you know yourself better.  Getting to know yourself is a lifelong process, and after age twenty-five, waiting to get married won’t decrease your chance of divorce.  The good news here is that a large body of research shows that you will gain more happiness by being married than by having a good job.”  They key word here is “systematic”.  Remember that.  This brings us to our next guideline:

Lesson # 15:  Marriage Before Career

They say that hindsight is 20/20 and I must agree with her (in a general sense).  Although I doubt that if I had gotten married at age 25, it would have been with my soul mate.  Sometimes, there are exceptions.

New Year, New Paradigm

The New Year is upon us and many (including myself) have several resolutions to implement starting tomorrow.  With that said, I wanted to remind you that nothing in life worthwhile comes easy (as the saying goes, “No pain, no gain.”).  I find that the most difficult thing to implement isn’t so much as specific tasks but our attitudes.  Changing the mind is perhaps the most difficult thing one can do for himself.  And, with respect to dating and relationships, I challenge all of you to change your paradigm on interpersonal relationships.  Take inventory of all of your relationships (the meaningful ones as well as the not so meaningful ones) and clean house (as well as your mind, outlook, and attitude).  Take two of these and call me in the morning.  Here’s to a happy and healthy new year!

Secret to Happiness

Studies show that the secret of happiness is 48% genetics, 40% life events, and 12% choices.  Of the 12% (from choices), the things that make the most impact are family, faith, community, and work.  What does this mean for you in terms of finding Mr. (or Mrs. ) Right?  If you’re “naturally” an unhappy person, your choices (which may lead to your major life events) can make all the difference in terms of your happiness.  Food for thought.

About Time

Lesson # 14:  Be With Someone Who Won’t Give You Heartburn

Finding Mr. (or Mrs.) Right has another benefit–aging well.  According to an article in Psychology Today, marriage significantly affects the long-term happiness for women more so than men.  As such, one must be extremely choosy when selecting one’s partner for life.  Aging isn’t just a physical manifestation of one’s biological condition but also one’s state of mind.  So, gals (and guys), finding Mr. (or Mrs.) Right may just be the fountain of youth.

Follow Through

It’s been quite awhile since I have updated this blog and wanted you all to know that I have not forgotten about you.  In addition to giving my sister and gal pals dating advice, I’ve also been busy with a few projects (details to come).  Without delay, here’s our next guideline.

Lesson # 13:  Follow Through on Promises and Threats

One of the cornerstones of maintaining relationships is one’s ability to consistently follow through on promises.  Whether it’s a mother following through on grounding a child for misbehavior or an office manager following through on firing an employee for unprofessional behavior, follow through is required for respect and credibility.  In other words, show that you mean business.  Doing this will minimize your being taken advantage of and foster a relationship based on mutual respect.

All in the Family

When it comes to dating, it’s best to meet your significant other’s parents (particularly father) early on in the relationship because as the saying goes, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”.

Fathers play an extremely important role in romantic relationships. How? Men learn how to be husbands from their fathers. Women learn about the type of men they want (or don’t want) from their fathers. As children, we watch and learn about male and female dynamics through our observations of mummy and daddy. Watching how dad treats mom (and other women) teaches a boy a lifetime of lessons on how to interact with the opposite sex.

When you’re meeting your sweetheart’s parents, pay close attention to how his father interacts with his mother (or to and about women in general if his mother is out of the picture due to divorce, separation, or death). Other than personal experience (i.e., divorce), a generally good predictor of a man’s attitude toward women is that of his father’s. Remember–like father, like son.

Calendar Girl

There will always be exceptions and extenuating circumstances (high school or college sweethearts, family friends, etc.).  But generally, there is a one-year courtship.  Period.  If you are dating a man (and all goes well) and he does not propose in one year, throw him back in the pond.  No ifs, ands, or buts.  As mentioned in an earlier post, men know very early on whether you are “short-term only” or “long-term potential”.  My male friends have confirmed that no, most men do not require more than a year to determine whether or not they want to marry you.

What do the Taj Mahal, Mirabell Palace, and Chandor Gardens all have in common?  They were built in the name of love.  Men are capable of extraordinary feats for women they love.  It is said that a man can move mountains for the love of his life.  Therefore, it is not unreasonable for a woman to expect a proposal within one year.

If It Looks Like a Duck…

Lesson # 2:  Pay Close Attention to What a Man Does, Not What He Says

How do you separate the prospects from the suspects?  Most of us can agree on the desirable qualities we look for in men.  Rather than focus on the obvious, women should pay close attention to potential red flags during the early stages of dating.   These potential red flags include…

(1)  Recent and/or Ugly Divorce–This is one of the more common situations.  Unless you are the cause of the divorce, the odds are stacked highly against you on this one.  Even in that situation, you expose yourself to a whole new set of high risks (as the saying goes, “a man who marries his mistress creates a job opening”).  A man who has been recently divorced and/or experienced an ugly divorce is in no position (psychologically or emotionally) to commit to any one.  Throw this one back in the water because it would be like trying to domesticate an abused animal–not impossible but definitely an uphill battle.

(2)  Regular Last-minute Dates–It’s one thing to guess that you are a part of a man’s rotation of dates during the early stages of dating.  It’s another thing to know it.  There is nothing wrong with dating multiple people at the same time.  That is what you are supposed to do until you become involved in an exclusive relationship with Mr. Could-Be-the-One.  However, pay close attention to how he courts you.  Yes, I said it.  At the end of the day, what we all want is a good, old-fashioned courtship.  Courtship is alive and well.  It just needs a good marketing campaign to educate those who are ignorant of it.

(3)  Signs of Disrespect–Women know when they are being disrespected.  However, many are in denial.  When a man shows that he has no respect for you as a person, believe him and move on.  This is truly a blessing in disguise because he has given you a glimpse, through his behavior, of things to come should you stay and put up with this nonsense.  Remember, you are not a garbage disposal.

(4)  High Spending Habits–When a man spends a lot of money relative to his income, he is probably not looking to settle down any time soon.  Why?  His primary goal is to have a good time and this will likely not include focusing most of his energy on cultivating a committed relationship.  The word, “fun”, is his mantra and that is his priority.  Although marriageble men may not say much about commitment and/or marriage, you can bet that it is on their agendas.  Men who are ready for marriage tend to save for the future (this is not to be mistaken for men being miserly).

(5)  Bachelor Friends–Birds of a feather flock together.  This is especially true if the birds are men.  Despite conventional wisdom, men actually succomb more to peer pressure than do women.  If a man’s army of friends are all party-going bachelors, it’s a safe bet that he has absolutely no pressure to settle down.  His feeling about marriage is that he’ll be “missing out” on all the fun and exitement of bachelorhood.  What he fails to understand is that even men have a shelf-life in the dating world.  At some point, being the 50-year-old guy at the bar trying to pick up office interns gets old.

(6)  Extreme Success–Everyone is familiar with the expression, “there’s no free lunch”.  This is especially true when it comes to dating extremely successful men.  The definition of success, of course, is relative.  In this case, I am referring to self-made financial and/or professional success.  While this kind of success is admirable, it can also be a hindrance to relationships.  Unless you are content with taking a backseat to your significant other’s career, you should look elsewhere.  Why?  The qualities that allow a man to be extremely successful in his career are not necessarily the ones that make him a good husband.

(7)  Young Children —This is a controversial topic.  You should not date a man with children (especially young children) unless one or more of the following applies to you:  you are over 40, you have a child or children of your own, and/or you are content with the prospect of your not being top priority.  Enough said.

(8)  Your Intuition–Kim Basinger summed it up when she said, “I feel there are two people inside me–me and my intuition.  If I go against her, she’ll screw me every time.  If I follow her, we get along quite nicely.”  Need I say more?

Post Navigation