If it feels like work in the beginning, cut your losses and move on. In other words,
Lesson # 18: Trust Your Instincts
People rarely change and you must remember that it’s a package deal. Either love who you’re with or be with someone else. You’ll be happier in the end–I promise.
Hello, ladies (and gents). I’ve noticed a trend among singles lately and it’s this: people say that that they simply “don’t have the time to date”. This brings me to the next rule:
Lesson # 17: Date Like It’s Your Job
I say this because of the expression, “Your priorities shall reveal themselves.” If getting married (or finding a lifetime companion) is a priority for you, act like it. Schedule time for clubs, dates, and social outings into your agenda if you have to. Also, let everyone you know in your social and professional circle that you are “single and looking to meet more people.” Use the power of networking. Work will still be there after you find The One. Remember, no one on his/her deathbed wishes he/she spent more time at the office.
A friend called last night and we discussed a fight she was having with her boyfriend. From what I know about him, he’s an upstanding man and a “guy’s guy”. Long story short, she mistakenly assumed that he was ignoring her when his phone was turned off (as he works in a classified environment that requires all phones to be turned off during work hours). As I pointed out, ignoring someone is passive aggressive and, so far, this guy’s “fighting style” has never been catty or passive aggressive. Also, people’s fighting styles are pretty consistent. Unless you’re dating and/or marrying someone of the same sex, the verdict is:
Lesson # 16: Say No to Catty Men
Why? Because one woman in the house is enough (again, unless you’re with someone of the same sex). “Men” who are catty or passive aggressive are not really men. Rather, they are boys in men’s bodies. As a woman, you want (and need) someone who compliments you and is of generous heart (cattiness and pettiness are the opposite of being generous). So, again, ladies–actions (or behaviors, in this case) do speak louder than words. Keep your eyes open and observe and you shall receive your answer (as to whether he is worthy of your giving him the best years of your life).
I’m not going to make this a “lesson” or “rule” but one thing I’ve observed through both experience and watching friends is that men who are medium to chubby to larger build tend to make better husbands. Why? They tend to be less judgmental and more accommodating.
Men who are very physically fit (especially those who are obsessed with looking the part and “gym rats”) tend to be more critical simply based on the fact they hold themselves to a higher standard of conventional-fit-appearance (being slim does not necessarily equal to being healthy but that’s another topic). And, in turn, expect the same if not more from their partners. Something to think about.
According to Penelope Trunk, women should focus on getting married first and then build a career: “this means that it may make sense for men to work full-speed ahead on their career in their early twenties, but women cannot afford that. Women need to make time in their lives to search for a mate in the same systematic, focused way that women have been searching for careers in their early twenties. And don’t tell yourself you’re waiting until you know yourself better. Getting to know yourself is a lifelong process, and after age twenty-five, waiting to get married won’t decrease your chance of divorce. The good news here is that a large body of research shows that you will gain more happiness by being married than by having a good job.” They key word here is “systematic”. Remember that. This brings us to our next guideline:
Lesson # 15: Marriage Before Career
They say that hindsight is 20/20 and I must agree with her (in a general sense). Although I doubt that if I had gotten married at age 25, it would have been with my soul mate. Sometimes, there are exceptions.
The New Year is upon us and many (including myself) have several resolutions to implement starting tomorrow. With that said, I wanted to remind you that nothing in life worthwhile comes easy (as the saying goes, “No pain, no gain.”). I find that the most difficult thing to implement isn’t so much as specific tasks but our attitudes. Changing the mind is perhaps the most difficult thing one can do for himself. And, with respect to dating and relationships, I challenge all of you to change your paradigm on interpersonal relationships. Take inventory of all of your relationships (the meaningful ones as well as the not so meaningful ones) and clean house (as well as your mind, outlook, and attitude). Take two of these and call me in the morning. Here’s to a happy and healthy new year!
Studies show that the secret of happiness is 48% genetics, 40% life events, and 12% choices. Of the 12% (from choices), the things that make the most impact are family, faith, community, and work. What does this mean for you in terms of finding Mr. (or Mrs. ) Right? If you’re “naturally” an unhappy person, your choices (which may lead to your major life events) can make all the difference in terms of your happiness. Food for thought.
Lesson # 14: Be With Someone Who Won’t Give You Heartburn
Finding Mr. (or Mrs.) Right has another benefit–aging well. According to an article in Psychology Today, marriage significantly affects the long-term happiness for women more so than men. As such, one must be extremely choosy when selecting one’s partner for life. Aging isn’t just a physical manifestation of one’s biological condition but also one’s state of mind. So, gals (and guys), finding Mr. (or Mrs.) Right may just be the fountain of youth.
It’s been quite awhile since I have updated this blog and wanted you all to know that I have not forgotten about you. In addition to giving my sister and gal pals dating advice, I’ve also been busy with a few projects (details to come). Without delay, here’s our next guideline.
Lesson # 13: Follow Through on Promises and Threats
One of the cornerstones of maintaining relationships is one’s ability to consistently follow through on promises. Whether it’s a mother following through on grounding a child for misbehavior or an office manager following through on firing an employee for unprofessional behavior, follow through is required for respect and credibility. In other words, show that you mean business. Doing this will minimize your being taken advantage of and foster a relationship based on mutual respect.
A wise woman once said, “You should never leave your happiness in the hands of others.” This brings us to our next food for thought.
Lesson # 10: Maintain Your Independence
I realize that independence means different things for different people. Whether it’s financial, emotional, and/or social independence, you must maintain some autonomy in at least one of these areas to help ensure your happiness with or without your significant other.
As children, my sister and I watched as a philandering father came and went as he pleased and treated my mother with the utmost disrepect. At the time, mother was entirely dependent on him on every level. From that point on, my sister and I made a pact that neither of us would ever be financially dependent on a man. People don’t plan for accidents, divorces, and neglect (among other life-changing perils). Maintaining at least some independence is like having insurance–if it turns out that you never need it, fanastic. But if and when you do, you’ll be glad you got it.
All of my male friends have confirmed this: men love women who have lives of their own. There’s “we” time and there’s “me” time. You must have both to sustain a healthy relationship.
What's Love Got to Do With It? 